From: 
https://childtrauma.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Bonding-and-Attachment.pdf


Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.
Adapted in part from: “Maltreated Children: Experience, Brain Development and the Next Generation”

(W.W. Norton & Company, New York, in preparation)

Introduction

The most important property of humankind is the capacity to form and maintain relationships. These relationships are absolutely necessary for any of us to survive, learn, work, love and procreate. Human relationships take many forms but the most intense, most pleasurable and most painful are those relationships with family, friends and loved ones. Within this inner circle of intimate relationships, we are bonded to each other with "emotional glue" - bonded with love.

Each individual's ability to form and maintain relationships using this "emotional glue" is different. Some people seem "naturally" capable of loving. They form numerous intimate and caring relationships and, in doing so, get pleasure. Others are not so lucky. They feel no "pull" to form intimate relationships, find little pleasure in being with or close to others. They have few, if any friends and more distant, less emotional glue with family. In extreme cases an individual may have no intact emotional bond to any other person. They are self- absorbed, aloof or may even present with classic neuropsychiatric signs of being schizoid or autistic.

The capacity and desire to form emotional relationships is related to the organization and functioning of specific parts of the human brain. Just as the brain allows us to see, smell, taste, think, talk and move, it is the organ that allows us to love -- or not. The systems in the human brain that allow us to form and maintain emotional relationships develop during infancy and the first years of life. Experiences during this early vulnerable period of life are critical to shaping the capacity to form intimate and emotionally healthy relationships.


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Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children Perry


Empathy, caring, sharing, inhibition of aggression, capacity to love and a host of other characteristics of a healthy, happy and productive person are related to the core attachment capabilities which are formed in infancy and early childhood.


Frequently Asked Questions


several key elements: (1) an attachment bond is an enduring emotional relationship with a specific person; (2) the relationship brings safety, comfort, soothing and pleasure; (3) loss or threat of loss of the person evokes intense distress. This special form of relationship is best characterized by the maternal-child relationship. As we study the nature of these special relationships, we are finding out about how important they can be for the future development of the child. Indeed, many researchers and clinicians feel that the maternal- child attachment provides the working framework for all subsequent relationships that the child will develop. A solid and healthy attachment with a primary caregiver appears to be associated with a high probability of healthy relationships with others while poor attachment with the mother or primary caregiver appears to be associated with a host of emotional and behavioral problems later in life.

In the mental health field, attachment is used loosely has come to reflect the global capacity to form relationships. For the purposes of this paper, attachment capabilities refer to the capacity to form and maintain an emotional relationship while attachment refers to the nature and quality of the actual relationship. A child, for example, may have an "insecure" attachment or "secure" attachment.

What is bonding?

Simply stated, bonding is the process of forming an attachment. Just as bonding is the term used when gluing one object to another, bonding is using our emotional glue to become connected to another. Bonding, therefore, involves a set of behaviors that will help lead to an emotional connection (attachment).

Are bonding and attachment genetic?

The biological capacity to bond and form attachments is most certainly genetically determined. The drive to survive is basic in all species. Infants are defenseless and must

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What is attachment?

Well, it depends.
The word attachment is frequently used by mental health, child development and child protection workers but it has slightly different meanings in these different contexts. The first thing to know is that we humans create many kinds of “bonds.” A bond is a connection between one person and another. In the field of infant development, attachment refers to a special bond characterized by the unique qualities of the special bond that forms in maternal- infant or primary caregiver-infant relationships. The attachment bond has



Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children Perry


depend upon a caregiving adult for survival. It is in the context of this primary dependence, and the maternal response to this dependence, that a relationship develops. This attachment is crucial for survival.

An emotionally and physically healthy mother will be drawn to her infant - she will feel a physical longing to smell, cuddle, rock, coo and gaze at her infant. In turn the infant will respond with snuggling, babbling, smiling, sucking and clinging. In most cases, the mother's behaviors bring pleasure, soothing and nourishment to the infant and the infant's behaviors bring pleasure and satisfaction to the mother. This reciprocal positive feedback loop, this maternal-infant dance, is where attachment develops.

Therefore, despite the genetic potential for bonding and attachment, it is the nature, quantity, pattern and intensity of early life experiences that express that genetic potential. Without predictable, responsive, nurturing and sensory-enriched caregiving, the infant's potential for normal bonding and attachments will be unrealized. The brain systems responsible for healthy emotional relationships will not develop in an optimal way without the right kinds of experiences at the right times in life.

What are bonding experiences?

The acts of holding, rocking, singing, feeding, gazing, kissing and other nurturing behaviors involved in caring for infants and young children are bonding experiences. Factors crucial to bonding include time together (in childhood, quantity does matter!), face-to-face interactions, eye contact, physical proximity, touch and other primary sensory experiences such as smell, sound, and taste. Scientists believe the most important factor in creating attachment is positive physical contact (e.g., hugging, holding, and rocking). It should be no surprise that holding, gazing, smiling, kissing, singing, and laughing all cause specific neurochemical activities in the brain. These neurochemical activities lead to normal organization of brain systems that are responsible for attachment.

The most important relationship in a child’s life is the attachment to his or her primary caregiver, optimally, the mother. This is due to the fact that this first relationship determines the biological and emotional ‘template’ for all future relationships. Healthy attachment to the mother built by repetitive bonding experiences during infancy provides the solid foundation for future healthy relationships. In contrast, problems with bonding and attachment can lead to a fragile biological and emotional foundation for future relationships.

When are these windows of opportunity?

Timing is everything. Bonding experiences lead to healthy attachments and healthy attachment capabilities when they are provided in the earliest years of life. During the first three years of life, the human brain develops to 90 percent of adult size and puts in place the majority of systems and structures that will be responsible for all future emotional, behavioral, social and physiological functioning during the rest of life. There are critical periods during which bonding experiences must be present for the brain systems responsible for attachment to develop normally. These critical periods appear to be in the first year of life and are related to the capacity of the infant and caregiver to develop a positive interactive relationship.

What happens if this window of opportunity is missed?

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Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children Perry


The impact of impaired bonding in early childhood varies. With severe emotional neglect in early childhood the impact can be devastating. Children without touch, stimulation and nurturing can literally lose the capacity to form any meaningful relationships for the rest of their lives. Fortunately most children do not suffer this degree of severe neglect. There are, however, many millions of children who have some degree of impaired bonding and attachment during early childhood. The problems that result from this can range from mild interpersonal discomfort to profound social and emotional problems. In general, the severity of problems is related to how early in life, how prolonged and how severe the emotional neglect has been.

This does not mean that children with these experiences have no hope to develop normal relationships. Very little is known about the ability of replacement experiences later in life to “replace” or repair the undeveloped or poorly organized bonding and attachment capabilities. Clinical experiences and a number of studies suggest that improvement can take place, but it is a long, difficult and frustrating process for families and children. It may take many years of hard work to help repair the damage from only a few months of neglect in infancy.

Are there ways to classify attachment?

Like traits such as height or weight, individual attachment capabilities are continuous. In an attempt to study this range of attachments, however, researchers have clustered the continuum into four categories of attachment: secure, insecure-resistant, insecure-avoidant, and insecure-disorganized/disoriented. Securely attached children feel a consistent, responsive, and supportive relation to their mothers even during times of significant stress. Insecurely attached children feel inconsistent, punishing, unresponsive emotions from their caregivers and feel threatened during times of stress.


Classification of Attachment


Percentage at One-Year


Response in Strange Situation


Securely attached


60-70 %


Explores with M in room; upset with separation; warm greeting upon return; seeks physical touch and comfort upon reunion


Insecure: avoidant


15-20 %


Ignores M when present; little distress on separation; actively turns away from M upon reunion


Insecure: resistant


10-15 %


Little exploration with M in room, stays close to M; very distressed upon separation; ambivalent or angry and resists physical contact upon reunion with M


Insecure: disorganized disoriented


5-10 %


Confusion about approaching or avoiding M; most distressed by separation; upon reunion acts confused and dazed – similar to approach- avoidance confusion in animal models


Above -- Dr. Mary Ainsworth developed a simple process to examine the nature of a child’s attachment. This is called the Strange Situation procedure. Simply stated, the mother and infant are observed in a sequence of “situations:” parent-child alone in a playroom; stranger entering room; parent leaving while the stranger stays and tries to comfort the baby; parent returns and comforts infant; stranger leaves; mother leaves infant all alone; stranger enters to comfort infant; parent returns and tries to comfort and engage the infant. The behaviors during each of these situations is observed and “rated.” The behaviors of children in this testing paradigm

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Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children Perry


What other factors influence bonding and attachment?

Any factors that interfere with bonding experiences can interfere with the development of attachment capabilities. When the interactive, reciprocal "dance" between the caregiver and infant is disrupted or difficult, bonding experiences are difficult to maintain. Disruptions can occur because of primary problems with the infant, the caregiver, the environment or the "fit" between the infant and caregiver.

Infant: The child’s “personality” or temperament influences bonding. If an infant is difficult to sooth, irritable or unresponsive compared to a calm, self-soothing child, he or she will have more difficulty developing a secure attachment. The infant's ability to participate in the maternal-infant interaction may be compromised due to a medical condition such as pre- maturity, birth defect, or illness.

Caregiver: The caregiver's behaviors can impair bonding. Critical, rejecting, and interfering parents tend to have children that avoid emotional intimacy. Abusive parents tend to have children that become uncomfortable with intimacy and withdraw. The child’s mother may be unresponsive to the child due to maternal depression, substance abuse, overwhelming personal problems, or other factors that interfere with her ability to be consistent and nurturing for the child.

Environment: A major impediment to healthy attachment is fear. If an infant is distressed due to pain, pervasive threat or a chaotic environment, they will have a difficult time participating in even a supportive caregiving relationship. Infants or children in domestic violence, refugee, community violence or war zone environments are vulnerable to developing attachment problems.

Fit: The "fit" between the temperament and capabilities of the infant and the mother is crucial. Some caregivers can be just fine with a calm infant but are overwhelmed by an irritable infant. The process of paying attention to, reading each other's non-verbal cues and responding appropriately is essential to maintain the bonding experiences that build in healthy attachments. Sometimes a style of communication and response familiar to a mother from one of her other children may not fit her current infant. The mutual frustration of being "out of sync" can impair bonding.


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How does abuse and neglect influence attachment?

There are three primary themes that have been observed in abusive and neglectful families. The most common effect is that maltreated children are, essentially, rejected. Children that are rejected by their parents will have a host of problems (see below) including difficulty developing emotional intimacy. In abusive families, it is common for this rejection and abuse to be transgenerational. The neglectful parent was neglected as a child. They pass on the way they were parented. Another theme is "parentification" of the child. This takes many forms. One common form is when a young immature girl becomes a single parent. The infant is treated like a playmate and very early in life like a friend. It is common to hear these young mothers talk about their four-year-old as "my best friend" or "my little man." In other cases, the adults are so immature and uninformed about children that they treat their children like adults - or even like another parent. As a result, their children may participate in fewer activities with other children who are “immature.” This false sense of maturity in children often interferes with the development of same-aged friendships. The third common theme is the transgenerational nature of attachment problems -- they pass from generation to generation.

It is important to note that previously secure attachments can change suddenly following abuse and neglect. The child’s perception of a consistent and nurturing world may no longer “fit” with their reality. For example, a child’s positive views of adults may change following physical abuse by a baby-sitter.

Are attachment problems always from abuse?

No, in fact the majority of attachment problems are likely due to parental ignorance about development rather than abuse. Many parents have not been educated about the critical nature of the experiences of the first three years of life. With more public education and policy support for these areas, this will improve. Currently, this ignorance is so widespread that it is estimated that 1 in 3 people has an avoidant, ambivalent, or resistant attachment with their caregiver. Despite this insecure attachment, these individuals can form and maintain relationships - yet not with the ease that others can.

What specific problems can I expect to see in maltreated children with attachment problems?

The specific problems that you may see will vary depending upon the nature, intensity, duration and timing of the neglect and abuse. Some children will have profound and obvious problems and some will have very subtle problems that you may not realize are related to early life neglect. Sometimes these children do not appear affected by their experiences. However, it is important to remember why you are working with the children and that they have been exposed to terrible things. There are some clues that experienced clinicians consider when working with these children.

Developmental delays: Children experiencing emotional neglect in early childhood often have developmental delay in other domains. The bond between the young child and caregivers provides the major vehicle for developing physically, emotionally and cognitively. It is in this primary context that children learn language, social behaviors, and a host of other key behaviors required for healthy development. Lack of consistent and enriched experiences in early childhood can result in delays in motor, language, social and cognitive development.

Eating: Odd eating behaviors are common, especially in children with severe neglect and attachment problems. They will hoard food, hide food in their rooms, eat as if there will be

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Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children Perry


no more meals even if they have had years of consistent available foods. They may have failure to thrive, rumination (throwing up food), swallowing problems and, later in life, odd eating behaviors that are often misdiagnosed as anorexia nervosa.

Soothing behavior: These children will use very primitive, immature and bizarre soothing behaviors. They may bite themselves, head bang, rock, chant, scratch or cut themselves. These symptoms will increase during times of distress or threat.

Emotional functioning: A range of emotional problems is common in these children including depressive and anxiety symptoms. One common behavior is “indiscriminant” attachment. All children seek safety. Keeping in mind that attachment is important for survival; children may seek attachments -- any attachments -- for their safety. Non-clinicians may notice abused and neglected children are “loving” and hug virtual strangers. Children do not develop a deep emotional bond with relatively unknown people; rather, these "affectionate" behaviors are actually safety seeking behaviors. Clinicians are concerned because these behaviors contribute to the abused child’s confusion about intimacy and are not consistent with normal social interactions.

Inappropriate modeling: Children model adult behavior - even if it is abusive. They learn abusive behavior is the “right” way to interact with others. As you can see, this potentially causes problems in their social interactions with adults and other children. For children that have been sexually abused, they may become more at-risk for future victimization. Males that have been sexually abused may become sexual offenders.

Aggression: One of the major problems with these children is aggression and cruelty. This is related to two primary problems in neglected children: (1) lack of empathy and (2) poor impulse control. The ability to emotionally "understand" the impact of your behavior on others is impaired in these children. They really do not understand or feel what it is like for others when they do or say something hurtful. Indeed, these children often feel compelled to lash out and hurt others - most typically something less powerful than they are. They will hurt animals, smaller children, peers and siblings. One of the most disturbing elements of this aggression is that it is often accompanied by a detached, cold lack of empathy. They may show regret (an intellectual response) but not remorse (an emotional response) when confronted about their aggressive or cruel behaviors.

What Can I Do To Help?

Parents and caregivers make all the difference in the lives of maltreated children. This section suggests a few different ways to help.

Nurture these children: These children need to be held and rocked and cuddled. Be physical, caring and loving to children with attachment problems. Be aware that for many of these children, touch in the past has been associated with pain, torture or sexual abuse. In these cases, make sure you carefully monitor how they respond – be “attuned” to their responses to your nurturing and act accordingly. In many ways, you are providing replacement experiences that should have taken place during their infancy – but you are doing this when their brains are harder to modify and change. Therefore they will need even more bonding experiences to help develop attachments.

Try to understand the behaviors before punishment or consequences: The more you can learn about attachment problems, bonding, normal development and abnormal development, the more you will be able to develop useful behavioral and social interventions. Information about these problems can prevent you from misunderstanding the child’s

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behaviors. When these children hoard food, for example, it should not be viewed as "stealing" but as a common and predictable result of being food deprived during early childhood. A punitive approach to this problem (and many others) will not help the child mature. Indeed, punishment may actually increase the child's sense of insecurity, distress and need to hoard food. Many of these children's behaviors are confusing and disturbing to caregivers. You can get help from professionals if you find yourself struggling to create or implement a practical and useful approach to these problems.

Parent these children based on emotional age: Abused and neglected children will often be emotionally and socially delayed. And whenever they are frustrated or fearful, they will regress. This means that, at any given moment, a ten-year old child may emotionally be a two- year old. Despite our wishes that they would “act their age” and our insistence to do so, they are not capable of that. These are the times that we must interact with them at their emotional level. If they are tearful, frustrated, overwhelmed (emotionally age two) parent them as if they were that age. Use soothing non-verbal interactions. Hold them. Rock them. Sing quietly. This is not the time to use complex verbal arguments about the consequences of inappropriate behavior.

Be consistent, predictable and repetitive: Maltreated children with attachment problems are very sensitive to changes in schedule, transitions, surprises, chaotic social situations, and, in general, any new situation. Busy and unique social situations will overwhelm them, even if they are pleasant! Birthday parties, sleepovers, holidays, family trips, the start of the school year, and the end of the school year -- all can be disorganizing for these children. Because of this, any efforts that can be made to be consistent, predictable and repetitive will be very important in making these children feel "safe" and secure. When they feel safe and secure they can benefit from the nurturing and enriching emotional and social experiences you provide them. If they are anxious and fearful, they cannot benefit from your nurturing in the same ways.

Model and teach appropriate social behaviors: Many abused and neglected children do not know how to interact with other people. One of the best ways to teach them is to model this in your own behaviors - and then narrate for the child what you are doing and why. Become a play by play announcer: "I am going to the sink to wash my hands before dinner because....” or “I take the soap and get soapy here and...." Children see, hear and imitate.

In addition to modeling, you can "coach" maltreated children as they play with other children. Use a similar play-by-play approach: "Well, when you take that from someone they probably feel pretty upset so if you want them to have fun when you play this game..." By more effectively playing with other children, they will develop some improved self-esteem and confidence. Over time, success with other children will make the child less socially awkward and aggressive. Maltreated children are often "a mess" because of their delayed socialization. If the child were teased because of their clothes or grooming, it would be helpful to have “cool” clothes and improved hygiene.

One area that these children have problems in is in modulating appropriate physical contact. They don't know when to hug, how close to stand, when to establish or break eye contact, what are appropriate contexts to pick their nose, touch their genitals, or do other grooming behaviors.

Ironically, children with attachment problems will often initiate physical contact (hugs, holding hands, crawling into laps) with strangers. Adults misinterpret this as affectionate behavior. It is not. It is best understood as "supplication" behavior and it is socially inappropriate. How the adults handle this inappropriate physical contact is very important.

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Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children Perry


We should not refuse to hug the child and lecture them about "appropriate behavior." We can gently guide the child on how-to interact differently with grown-ups and other children (Why don’t you sit over here?). It is important to make these lessons clear using as few words as possible. They do not have to be directive -- rely on nonverbal cues. It is equally important to explain in a way that does not make the child feel bad or guilty.

Listen to and talk with these children: One of the most pleasurable things to do is just stop, sit, listen and play with these children. When you are quiet and interactive with them you find that they will begin to show you and tell you about what is really inside them. Yet as simple as this sounds it is one of the most difficult things for adults to do - to stop, quit worrying about the time or your next task and really relax into the moment with a child. Practice this. You will be amazed at the results. These children will sense that you are there just for them. They will feel how you care for them.

It is during these moments that you can best reach and teach these children. This is a great time to begin teaching children about their different "feelings." Regardless of the activity, the following principles are important to include: (1) All feelings are okay to feel -- sad, glad, or mad (more emotions for older children); (2) Teach the child healthy ways to act when sad, glad, or mad; (3) Begin to explore how other people may feel and how they show their feelings - “How do you think Bobby feels when you push him?” (4) When you sense that the child is clearly happy, sad, or mad, ask them how they are feeling. Help them begin to put words and labels to these feelings.

Have realistic expectations of these children: Abused and neglected children have so much to overcome. And, for some, they will not overcome all of their problems. For a Romanian orphan adopted at age five after spending her early years without any emotional nurturing, the expectations should be limited. She was robbed of some, but not all, of her potential. We do not know how to predict potential in a vacuum, but we do know how to measure the emotional, behavioral, social and physical strengths and weaknesses of a child. A comprehensive evaluation by skilled clinicians can be very helpful in beginning to define the skill areas of a child and the areas where progress will be slower.

Be patient with the child's progress and with yourself: Progress will be slow. The slow progress can be frustrating and many adoptive parents will feel inadequate because all of the love, time and effort they spend with their child may not seem to be having any effect. But it does. Don't be hard on yourself. Many loving, skilled and competent parents have been swamped by the needs of a neglected and abused child that they have taken in.

Take care of yourself: Caring for maltreated children can be exhausting and demoralizing. You cannot provide the consistent, predictable, enriching and nurturing care these children need if you are depleted. Make sure you get rest and support. Respite care can be crucial. Use friends, family and community resources. You will not be able to help your child if you are exhausted, depressed, angry, overwhelmed and resentful.

Take advantage of other resources: For more information on this and other like topics, visit www.ChildTraumaAcademy.org. Many communities have support groups for adoptive or foster families. Professionals with experience in attachment problems or maltreated children can be very helpful. You will need help. Remember, the earlier and more aggressive the interventions, the better. Children are most malleable early in life and as they get older change is more difficult.

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Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children Perry


Glossary
Attachment: A special form of emotional relationship. Attachment involves mutuality,

comfort, safety and pleasure for both individuals in the relationship.

Attunement: The ability to read and respond to the communicated needs of another. This involves synchronous and responsive attention to the verbal and non-verbal cues of another.

Bond: A bond is a relationship. Bonds may be of special mutual emotional nature such as an attachment or they may be based upon other emotions (e.g., fear – such as seen in the bond between captor and captive).

Bonding: Any activity, action or behavior that helps establish or maintain a relationship.

Strange-Situation procedure: A specialized clinical-research procedure involving eight separations and reunions with an infant and their caregiver designed to determine the nature of the attachments.

The ChildTrauma Academy

The ChildTrauma Academy* is a unique collaborative of individuals and organizations working to improve the lives of high-risk children through direct service, research and education.


We recognize the crucial importance of childhood experience in shaping the health of the individual, and, ultimately, society. By creatingbiologically-informed, child and family respectful practice, programs and policy The ChildTrauma Academy seeks to help maltreated


and traumatized children.


A major activity of the CTA is to translate emerging findings about the human brain and child development into practical implications for the ways we nurture, protect, enrich, educate and heal children. The "translational neuroscience" work of the CTA has resulted in a range


of innovative programs in therapeutic, child protection and educational systems.


Please visit our website (www.ChildTrauma.org) to learn more about our work, our


educational videos, training materials and other products.


*The ChildTrauma Academy is a not-for-profit, 501(c)(3) organization.

Contact Information

Email: CTA@ChildTrauma.org Phone: (866) 943-9779
Fax: (713) 513-5465

Web Site: www.ChildTrauma.org
Online Store: www.CTAProducts.org
Online University: www.ChildTraumaAcademy.com

 

From: https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=42&v=Fh5kiTn0P4Y

From: http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/god-will-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle#When:05:02:00Z    written by Mitch Chase

Christians can make the strangest claims when comforting those who are suffering. What do you say to someone whose life is falling apart? If you have but few precious minutes with a person who’s lost a job, home, spouse, child, or all sense of purpose, what comfort do you give?

We might turn to conventional wisdom instead of Scripture and end up saying something like, “Don’t worry, this wouldn’t happen in your life if God didn’t think you could bear it.” The sufferer may object, head shaking and hands up. But you insist, “Look, seriously, the Bible promises God won’t ever give you more in life than you can handle.” There it is—conventional wisdom masquerading as biblical truth. You’ve promised what the Bible never does.

Temptations Versus TrialsIn 1 Corinthians 10, the apostle Paul writes, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” His discussion is specific: he’s writing about “temptation,” a snare that breaks a sweat trying to drag us into sin. Using a predator metaphor, God warned Cain that “sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it” (Gen. 4:7). Sin stalks us, but God is faithful. Sin desires to overcome us, but there is a merciful way of escape. Sin sets the bait, but for the believer—praise God!—sin is not irresistible.

Now if people apply Paul’s words about temptation to general sufferings, you can see where the line “God will never give you more than you can handle” comes from. I don’t doubt the sincerity and good intentions of those who use this phrase, but sincerity isn’t enough. Even Job’s friends meant well.

The Twin ErrorsThere are at least two errors in the unbiblical notion of “God will never give you more than you can handle.” First, it plays on the cultural virtue of fairness. Second, it points the sufferer inward instead of Godward.

1. Trials that Are . . . Fair?

If you give your children boxes to load into the car, you make visual and weight assessments that factor in their ages and strength. You don’t overload their arms and watch them crash to the ground with stuff splayed everywhere. That would be unfair. The saying “God will never give you more than you can handle” strikes a tone of fairness we instinctually like. There’s something pleasing about the idea that the scales are in balance, that God has assessed what we can handle and permits trials accordingly.

But there is a glaring problem with the “fairness” that undergirds this conventional wisdom: God has been unfair already, because he has not dealt with us as our sins deserve. He has been longsuffering, forbearing, gracious, and abounding in love. The sun shines and rain falls even on the unjust (Matt. 5:45). God transcends the categories of fair and unfair to such a degree that we have no position to evaluate his actions or weigh his will. His ways aren’t subject to our culture’s standard of fairness.

2. The Power . . . Within?

Suffering doesn’t ask if you’re ready. It may come slowly or with a vengeance, but it doesn’t ask permission, and it doesn’t care about convenience. There’s never a good time for your life to be wrecked. But the saying “God will never give you more than you can handle” tells me I have what it takes. It tells me I can bear whatever comes my way. It tells me God permits trials according to my ability to endure. Think about what this conventional wisdom does: it points people inward.

Yet the Bible points us Godward. As the psalmist says, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling” (Ps. 46:1–3). When our strength is failing under crushing burdens, the answer is not within. God gives power to the faint and increases the strength of the weak (Isa. 40:29). The power comes from him to those who wait on him.

Where Trials Direct UsTrials come in all shapes and sizes, but they don’t come to show how much we can take or how we have it all together. Overwhelming suffering will come our way because we live in a broken world with broken people. And when it comes, let’s be clear ahead of time that we don’t have what it takes. God will give us more than we can handle—but not more than he can.

The psalmist asks, “Where does my help come from?” (Ps. 121:1), and we must be able to answer like he did. We must know and believe, deep in our bones, that “My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth” (121:2). When trials come, trust that the Lord’s help will come. This news is helpful to sufferers since we’re saying something true about God instead of something false about ourselves.

Paul recalled a time when God gave him more than he could bear. In a letter to the Corinthians, he wrote, “For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself” (2 Cor. 1:8). Paul and his associates had been in circumstances that transcended their strength to endure: “Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death” (1:9).

Then he provides a crucial insight into his despair. Why were he and his companions given more than they could handle? To “make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead” (2 Cor. 1:9). God will give you more than you can handle so that his great power might be displayed in your life. Indeed, a greater weight of glory is still to come: “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison” (2 Cor. 4:17).

You might not consider overwhelming sufferings to be “light” and “momentary,” but think of your trials in terms of a trillion years from now. In the middle of affliction, sometimes the most difficult thing to hold onto is an eternal vision. Paul isn’t trying to minimize your affliction; he’s trying to maximize your perspective.

Suffering doesn’t get the last line in the script. In this life, God will give you more than you can handle, but the coming weight of glory will be greater than you can imagine.

Mitch Chase (PhD, SBTS) is the Preaching Pastor at Kosmosdale Baptist Church and an adjunct professor at Boyce College in Louisville, KY. He's the author of Behold Our Sovereign God.

From:  
http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=96&Itemid=80


What happens to a parent whose child struggles with attachment? For many, it’s very difficult. You may feel a bit in shock, “They said that infants transfer attachment from their foster parents to their adoptive parents! I never expected this!” Family and friends often don’t see what you do and may doubt your experience. You may feel isolated if the child’s anxiety or behaviors make you reluctant to leave home. Sometimes you feel like you’re on a roller coaster. The child’s behaviors improve—just enough to make you think that he’s “cured”—only to realize that, once again, he is exhibiting symptoms…perhaps even different or more intense than those in the past.  

One mom shares how the stress of having a child with an attachment disorder affected her: 

I got pulled over by the police this morning. When I saw the lights, I immediately checked my speedometer, but no, I wasn't speeding. I rolled down my window and asked the officer if a taillight was out or something, and he told me that I'd "blatantly" gone through a stop sign. 

I was absolutely dumbfounded--never been pulled over before, quite the opposite--I'm nervous on the road and have the reputation of being such an annoyingly law-abiding driver. I am ridiculed for my ultra-cautious ways, such as signaling in the middle of the night to turn into my driveway, and driving at the speed limit when others behind me want to speed--to the point that I've been flipped off twice this year by kids who want to go 70 in a 45 zone. 

Mind you, this past 15 months of RAD (reactive attachment disorder) parenting has taken its toll on my brain, so anything is possible. The level of stress I have been under really became apparent when the policeman asked to see my license & proof of insurance. I immediately realized my insurance had expired six days ago, and although paid up, I explained I didn't have the new card in my car yet. It was sitting on my kitchen table. He told me this could mean a $1500 fine, plus a ticket for going through the stop sign. 

At those words, I felt my world start to spin--it was like a big gear cracked inside my head and started to rotate wildly against my skull--and I did something totally out of character; I completely fell apart in front of a stranger. 

Now, I am ordinarily a pretty reserved, self-contained sort of person (on the outside), but suddenly I heard this weird, animal wailing coming out of me--stream of consciousness stuff--babbling on like an idiot about how I was so sorry, I was ordinarily a very competent driver, an organized and responsible person, and especially on that stretch of road where I knew there were children--how I loved children, but I'd adopted this child from China a year ago and my life had been a mess ever since, and I hadn't gotten my insurance card in the car because I was constantly being distracted, and I was trying to be a good mother, but nothing was ever good enough for my daughter who had all these emotional problems, and with all the things I had to do at Christmastime, like looking after my son and my husband and my mother who had health problems in Canada and bla, bla, bla. It was so weird --I could hear this deranged voice talking. I knew it was mine, but couldn't stop it. 

Finally I ran out of things to say and just slumped over the wheel, sobbing. I had pulled out my documentation from the glove compartment (sorting them out from the emergency diapers) and sort of waved the registration cards for 2002, 2003, 2004 in the air, as pathetic proof there had been a time when I had been a competent human being, long ago. I couldn't look at the policeman, I was so embarrassed and couldn't stop crying. 

Finally I heard him say, "Now, please just take a deep breath. One of my colleagues on the force is having the same thing with a girl from China. It's OK. Try to pull yourself together," …which just made me cry harder. I'd completely lost control. He said, "I'm not going to give you a ticket. This is a warning. Go home and get your insurance card and just drive more carefully." As he walked away, I was still heaving and sobbing. He drove away and I still couldn't stop crying. Someone in a nearby house was watching the whole thing from his window, obviously confused--a lunatic outside his house, and no point in calling the police, because they'd just driven away--what to do? 

I have not had a huge emotional release like that in ages--maybe not even since we got back from China--I mean I cried about everything under the sun--all the disappointments, all the rage, all the resentment, the frustration, the exhaustion that has been piling up. Little did the policeman know that he would be the catalyst for 15+ months of misery. 

Finally I was able to pull myself together and drove home to get the insurance card--only to start up again and drain out the last few bits of anguished soul on the living room couch. My husband was peering at me the whole time with huge eyes (he also knows I am not a crier) and was quite at a loss to know what to say. 

Oh, goodness. Even with support, resources and meds --- this is such a hard journey. 

This is a hard journey. AND YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!  

Begin by reading Nancy Thomas’s book, When Love is Not Enough. The first “Powerful Parenting Technique” she lists is “Take Care of Yourself First.” She describes many ways to accomplish this simple, but seemingly impossible task. 

In the back of Thomas’s book, you’ll find a checklist for PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) Secondary Trauma. Many parents develop depression or PTSD Secondary Trauma from living with a child with attachment problems.  

The attachment between any two individuals is a two-way street. And when one person—irregardless of how young—repeatedly rejects another individual, it can be very difficult. When this happens between a baby and his parents, it can be especially heartbreaking. Another mom shares her experience: 

When I discovered that my son had attachment issues I took it very personally. I thought it had something to do with me not being a good, nurturing mother. But at the same time I found that the harder I tried to be loving and nurturing the more my son adamantly rejected me. This little baby had the ability to push so hard that I began to withdraw and feel as though I was walking on eggshells around him. What would I do that would set him off? Was it changing his diaper, feeding him lunch, rocking him before bed? I began to fear anything that meant taking care of him. It was as though I was holding my breath all day long waiting for that rejection that hurt so badly. It was always a matter of time. With the help of attachment therapy and parenting we were finally on our way out of that slump. My son began to trust me more and more and wanted me to care for him and nurture him. But even as we experienced progress, in the back of my mind I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I gained strength and confidence in my ability to parent my son but at the same time I found that I was always looking at the glass as though it were half empty. 
Unforeseen difficulties may cause the adoptive parent to become depressed. If you are feeling this way, please consult a professional. 

This is a great article that I saw on http://thecaregiverspace.org/what-is-compassion-fatigue/   Do you know someone that has adopted or does foster care?  You can play a vital role by providing them encouragement and support & periodic breaks.  This is so important for the mental health of the family.

Compassion Fatigue is:  
The American Institute of Stress, in the definition section of its website, describes this acute stress as “vicarious traumatization” because it’s caused by working with those who are suffering from the consequences of a traumatic event. 


You’ve heard of burnout, but may not have heard of compassion fatigue. As more family members become caregivers, more seem to be learning about this term. A heavy workload and never-ending tasks may make you wonder if you’ve developed compassion fatigue. What is it and what can you do about it?
Compassion fatigue is a type of stress caused by caring for others. Although burnout develops over time, compassion fatigue comes on suddenly. In his article “Burnout and Compassion Fatigue: Watch for these Signs,” psychotherapist Dennis Portnoy classifies compassion fatigue as a form of burnout.

“Compassion fatigue is caused by empathy,” he explains. “It is the natural consequence of stress resulting from caring for and helping traumatized or suffering people.” According to Portnoy, burnout and compassion fatigue may overlap.

The American Institute of Stress, in the definition section of its website, describes this acute stress as “vicarious traumatization” because it’s caused by working with those who are suffering from the consequences of a traumatic event. The symptoms of compassion fatigue can be worrisome and include:

• less ability to function
• more stress than usual
• caregiver feels traumatized
• working harder, getting less done
• irritability
• feeling bored
• more sickness, aches, and pains

When compassion fatigue strikes you and your loved one both suffer. You feel like your life has become a stress mess. Having a few of the symptoms doesn’t mean you have compassion fatigue. Until I found the cause of my symptoms, I thought I had compassion fatigue. I wasn’t functioning well, was extremely stressed, worked harder and accomplished less, was a general grouch, and had two arthritic hips. After my husband and I adjusted our daily routine and I was able to get seven hours of sleep a night, my compassion fatigue symptoms disappeared. It turned out I was suffering from sleep deprivation.

What can you do about this form of stress?

Assess your self-care. If you haven’t seen a doctor in years, now is the time to get a physical exam. Ask your doctor to update your prescriptions because some may be out of date.

Stay physically active. Put regular physical activity on your daily calendar. Walking is the easiest and cheapest form of physical activity. A fifteen-minute walk, short as it is, can boost your spirits.

Try deep breathing. Also called diaphragm breathing, this technique can help to reduce stress. The technique is difficult at first, but the more you practice it, the easier it becomes.

Check your support system. Fill in any gaps that you find. Put a list of emergency phone numbers on your cell phone or by your landline phone.

Join a caregiving support group. This could be a hospital group, church group, or online community. Attend several meetings before you make a membership decision.

Include some fun in each day. Take a break and read a magazine, or watch a television program, knit for a while, or call a friend. Sitting quietly may also be fun.

Care for your spiritual self. How you do this depends upon your religious and spiritual beliefs. Ask your church for help if you need it because these are the folks who show up, work hard, and give you hugs.

Follow these steps and you can get rid of compassion fatigue before it starts.

From:  http://www.kathylynnharris.com/dear-moms-of-adopted-children/

Dear Moms of Adopted ChildrenPosted on May 7, 2013
First, a quick note: I wrote this piece after reading an essay written by Lea Grover in the Huffiington Post, titled “Dear Less-Than-Perfect Mom.” The post by Lea was wonderful, and it made me think about us moms who found our sweet babies through adoption, and how we face unique challenges. I hope you enjoy it, whether you are the parent of an adopted child or not. Happy early Mother’s Day, everyone.

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Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,

I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.

It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.

Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.

Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.

Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?

I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.

I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.

I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.

I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.

Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.

I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.

And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.

And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.

I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.

I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.

And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.

I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.

I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.

I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.

I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.

I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.

I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?

I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.

I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.

But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.