From:  http://www.reactiveattachment-disorder.com/2010/10/natural-consequences-for-rad-children.html

Natural Consequences for RAD Children & Teens

Lectures, warnings, hollering, bribes, second chances and reminders do NOT work.

You are wasting your time and breath. Your youngster knows the rules – he just refuses to obey your rules! Remember – her actions are often automatic responses learned from infancy. Your youngster is in their element when you have lost your control!

Natural Consequences:

• Broken object – they must replace it with their own money or with chores.
• Did not bring homework home – go back and get it or assign your own homework.
• Does not want to eat – no problem, they will not starve, but they will sit at the table while the family eats (NO snack before next meal).
• Foul mouth, raised voice, rudeness, and back talk – can be rewarded with chores, exercise (jumping jacks, sit ups, running on the spot) or payment to money jar. 
• Hurt someone – they must apologize and lose privileges (having friends over, watching TV, playing video games, using the telephone, etc.). Most likely, they will not mean the apology, but it is a habit-forming process.
• Misbehaving at dinnertime – remove them from the table. They can go to their room until dinner is over– so the rest of the family can enjoy a peaceful meal. 
• Room not cleaned – stay in your room until it is clean.

Avoid control battles! Your youngster wants to control you, even if it means making you angry and them being disciplined. No one wins and you will end up frustrated. Try, “When you clean your room properly, you can have ____,” (lunch, playtime, etc.) –whatever fits the daily schedule.

Never believe your youngster, “Honest, Mom, I’m telling the truth! Why won’t you believe me, you never believe me!” Don’t let that sway you; your youngster is one of the best liars around. Should a miracle happen and you later find out your youngster was telling the truth; look them in the eye, apologize sincerely and reward – perhaps with a favorite dessert/comic/hug. If you find that more and more your youngster has told the truth, then you can start to let your guard down.

Give compliments in “now” time. “You showed great sportsmanship today!” or “You did a really good job on the dishes. Thank you.” Do not be surprised when your youngster sabotages these good moments. This is their only way of regaining control of their environment. Until they learn to trust you, this is their safety net.

Disciplines and punishments should also be in the ‘now’ time. Groundings for the week(s) may sound good to you but your ATTACHMENT DISORDER youngster lives in the ‘now’ mode. Cause and effect are not easily understood, if at all; especially if the effect lasts more than a day or two. You will find that if the grounding is too long or heavy your youngster will act out even more as they think, “Why not, I’m already grounded from everything”.

“Ain’t Misbehaving” Money Jar:

Each week have a roll of $2/nickels or $5/dimes and place in a jar; then for each negative behavior take a nickel/dime out of the jar. At the end of the week your youngster gets to keep the money in the jar. Be sure to point out how much money was in the jar at the beginning of the week.

Do not leave ATTACHMENT DISORDER kids in the care of adults that will allow the youngster to manipulate them. No youngster will trust and respect others who are weaker than them; this includes grandparents, childcare, teachers, etc. Weak caregivers will just reinforce your youngster’s belief that adults cannot be trusted and they can only depend on themselves for survival.

The strains a Reactive Attachment youngster puts on your family can be enormous. 

Effects on the family of an ATTACHMENT DISORDER youngster:

• An ATTACHMENT DISORDER youngster will play one parent off the other, which could result in a rift between parents.
• Dreams of the perfect loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but an Attachment Disorder family can become quite dysfunctional. 
• Due to youngster’s disruptive behavior, parents often withdraw from social functions.
• Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration due to RAD behavior.
• Friends, family, church members become critical of parenting and attitude.
• Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy kids do not work with RAD kids.
• Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened. It is extremely important for RAD kids to have their own room - for their own good as well as the safety of siblings.
• Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the RAD youngster takes up so much of the parent’s time. Schedule, daily or weekly, one-on-one quality time for each youngster in the family.

From : 
http://www.reactiveattachment-disorder.com/2009/07/insecure-attachment-and-attachment.html


Insecure Attachment and Attachment Disorders
Symptoms and Repair of Poor Attachment and Reactive Attachment Disorder--

When babies and young kids have a loving caregiver consistently responding to their needs, they build a secure attachment. This lifelong bond affects growth, development, trust and the ability to build relationships. However, severely confusing, frightening and isolating emotional experiences early in life disrupts this bond, creating insecure attachment. In extreme circumstances, this can result in attachment disorders. Problems with attachment limit a youngster’s ability to be emotionally present, flexible and able to communicate in ways that build satisfying and meaningful relationships. The earlier attachment disruptions are caught, the better. However, it is never too late to treat and repair attachment difficulties. With the right tools, and a healthy dose of time, patience and love, attachment repair can and does happen.

What is insecure attachment?

Attachment is the process of bonding between a baby’s primary caregiver, usually the mother, and the infant. Babies are helpless from birth, and need consistent, loving responses to their needs for food, sleep and comfort. As the infant grows, so does the bond of trust with the primary caregiver. Secure attachment has a lifelong effect on growth, development, trust and relationships.

If a youngster is not provided this consistent, loving care, insecure attachments form. Kids with insecure attachments have learned that the world is not a safe place. They don’t have the experiences they need to feel confident in themselves and trust in others. Because attachment is a fundamental part of kid’s development that affects the growing brain, insecure attachment shows itself in many different ways. Kids may have trouble with learning, may be aggressive and act out, be excessively clingy, have difficulty making friends, suffer anxiety or depression, or be developmentally delayed. In cases of severe deprivation, abuse or neglect, attachment disorders may form. Attachment disruptions and disorders often have similar symptoms of disorders such as ADHD or autism and may be misdiagnosed.

Causes of Insecure Attachment and Attachment Disorders--

• Abuse and neglect. If the primary caregiver is a source of pain and terror, as in physical or emotional abuse, a secure attachment cannot form. Moms & dads who abuse alcohol and drugs may have a lowered threshold for violence and are at increased risk for neglecting their kids.

• Child illness or disability. Babies with long hospital stays, where they have been isolated and alone, are also at risk. Moms & dads may also feel overwhelmed with a baby’s needs if the infant is constantly sick and in pain, withdrawing or lashing out at the youngster because they don’t know what to do.

• Kids in institutional care. Kids in institutional care have not only lost their primary caregiver but may have lived in conditions where they cannot form a secure bond. Kids in a succession of foster or group homes, or kids adopted from overseas who have lived in orphanages, are at risk.

• Constantly changing caregivers. Insecure attachment can also occur if the youngster has very little interaction with a primary caregiver, but instead has a succession of childcare providers that are not attuned to the youngster and do not stay in the youngster’s life.

• The caregiver is unable to provide for the child. Sometimes, moms & dads may love and intend the best for their kids, but not know themselves how to provide the care the kids need. They may have a history of abuse, depression, trauma or be overwhelmed by work and childcare responsibilities. A medical emergency may have occurred in the parent, making care very difficult. A death or trauma in the family can also have enormous impact.

Signs and symptoms of attachment disorders--

Insecure attachments influence the developing brain, which leads to a variety of symptoms. Interactions with others, self-esteem, self-control, learning, and optimum mental and physical health are affected. Symptoms of insecure attachment may be similar to common developmental and mental problems including ADHD, spectrum autism, depression, and anxiety disorders.

Insecure attachment patterns:

Although the signs of insecure attachment are many, they are really the youngster’s attempt to make sense out of an unpredictable world. Some symptoms of attachment disruption can be traced back to what the parent did not provide.

• Ambivalent attachment. An ambivalently attached youngster experiences the parents’ communication as inconsistent. Sometimes their needs are met, sometimes not, and sometimes the communication can be overly intrusive. Because these kids cannot reliably depend on the parent for attunement and connection, they may be insecure and anxious. They may also display excessive clinginess and dependence, on the unconscious hope that their needs will be met some of the time.

• Avoidant attachment. When a parent is emotionally unavailable, rejecting, or prematurely forcing independence, a youngster may become avoidantly attached. These kids adapt by avoiding closeness and emotional connection. On the surface, this youngster may appear to be very independent, but their self reliance is a cover for insecurity. Avoidant kids may have difficulty forming relationships, be aggressive and bully other kids.

• Disorganized attachment. Disorganized attachment occurs when the youngster’s’ need for emotional closeness remains unseen or ignored, and the moms & dads behavior is a source of disorientation or terror. When kids have experiences with moms & dads that leave them overwhelmed, traumatized, and frightened, they become disorganized and chaotic. Coping mechanisms may include dissociation, withdrawal, extreme passivity or aggression in getting needs met.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)--

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a clinically recognized form of extreme insecure attachment. Common causes of RAD include severe child abuse and neglect. Kids may have been removed from the home and placed in the foster care system. RAD also frequently occurs in internationally adopted kids who were living in orphanages.

Signs and Symptoms of RAD:

Kids with RAD are so neurologically disrupted that they have extreme difficulty attaching to a primary caregiver, attaining normal developmental milestones or establishing normal relationships with other people. They show strong symptoms of attachment disruption. These kids may be difficult or impossible to soothe, accepting comfort from no one, even the primary caregiver, and preferring to play alone. On the other hand, they may seem superficially friendly to everyone, inappropriately approaching and interacting with strangers as if they were the primary caregiver. What can be especially hard to bear for those who care for these kids is that the youngster might not seem to be bonded to them at all, despite their attempts to show love and affection. Many of these kids may be incorrectly diagnosed with severe emotional and behavioral disturbances ranging from bipolar disorder to depression. Families caring for kids with RAD will benefit from treatment and therapeutic parenting skills. In time and with patience, even severe attachment disorders can be repaired.

Repairing insecure attachments and attachment disorders--

Sadly, insecure attachment can be a vicious cycle. Due to problems with social relationships, insecurely attached kids may become even more isolated and withdrawn from their primary caregivers, family and friends. They may be seen as “bratty” or “bullies”, making it hard for them to form relationships that may mitigate the effects of insecure attachment. However, it is never too late to work on forming secure attachments. While the brain is most pliable in infancy and early childhood, it is responsive to changes all of our lives. Relationships with relatives, teachers and childcare providers can also supply an important source of connection and strength for a youngster’s developing mind.

Here are some tips on repairing an insecure attachment:

• Help the youngster express his or her needs. Kids with attachment problems will need extra help in learning to express their needs. They may have learned not to cry if in pain or frightened, for example, or not associate touch with being soothed. They may revert to developmentally inappropriate behaviors if stressed or scared. It might take extra creativity and diligence on the caregiver’s part to help the youngster express needs safely and appropriately.

• Learn what creates a secure attachment. Attachment is an interactive process that requires both verbal and nonverbal skills. Emotional intelligence is critical to building a secure attachment, since even verbal kids are sensing our moods and watching everything we do. Every youngster is unique and will have different ways to be soothed.

• Provide support for the primary caregiver. The primary caregiver needs to be emotionally healthy, have adequate time, and the right skills to be attuned and responsive to the youngster’s needs. In some cases, the caregiver may simply be overwhelmed, and help with household or work responsibilities allows them to focus. Other caregivers may need more help, such as parenting classes, alcohol or drug treatment, or therapy for mental disorders such as emotional trauma or depression.

• Time, consistency and predictability is key. Problems in attachment result from problems with trust. By this very definition, repairing an attachment disruption takes time, consistency and patience. It will take time for a youngster to realize that they can trust and rely on their primary caregiver and other important people in their lives. Kids with attachment disruptions may be more sensitive to life changes and situations like travel, returning to school or holidays. Caregivers should be aware and as attuned to this as possible, helping to keep a normal schedule during unpredictable times.

Conflict, boundaries, and repair in secure attachment:

No matter how much we love our kids, there comes a point where we are not in agreement with them, a point when we have to set limits, and say “no.” This conflict temporally ruptures the relationship as the youngster angrily protests. Such protest is to be expected. The key to strengthening the attachment bond of trust is to be consistently available when the youngster is ready to reconnect. It is also important to initiate repair when we have done something to hurt, disrespect, or shame a youngster. Moms & dads aren’t perfect. From time to time, we are the cause of the disconnection. Again, our willingness to initiate repair can strengthen the attachment bond.

For kids with insecure attachments and attachment disorders, this conflict can be especially disturbing and scary—for both the kids and the primary caregiver. The youngster may overreact, having a wild tantrum, or rapidly withdraw. They may temporarily show developmentally regressive behaviors, like rocking or trouble with toileting. Don’t be afraid to set limits and boundaries with insecurely attached kids. Consistent, loving boundaries will help them develop the sense of trust they need that their caregiver will be with them through thick and thin. These kids also need to learn that no matter what they do, they will be loved and respected.

Professional treatment:

Kids with severe attachment difficulties and their caregivers can benefit from professional treatment as well. Caregivers can learn tips and techniques for coping with their youngster and helping to repair the attachment. Therapists can help caregivers learn how their youngster communicates through play, for example, which allows many kids to express feelings and desires they cannot verbalize. Attachment therapy should never be coercive or shaming to the youngster.

Adoptive and foster parents:

Adoptive and foster parents open their hearts and homes to kids who have sometimes been severely abused and neglected. These parents might not have expected the challenges that come with kids with attachment difficulties. Even if these challenges are known, anger, lashing out and difficult behaviors can be frustrating and hard to handle. Remember that the youngster is not acting out because of lack of love for you. They are acting out because their brain development has actually progressed differently. Your stability in the youngster’s life is giving him or her a tremendous chance to repair insecure attachments and have a much better start in life. Be sure to seek support from organizations and support groups that specialize in your situation, and don’t be afraid to seek help for yourself if you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.

PARENTING CHILDREN & TEENS WITH REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER

What doesn't work:

1. Attempting to persuade the RAD youngster to change his mind by presenting “logical, reasonable, or “practical information”. RAD kids are highly unlikely to be influenced by reasonableness. Adult efforts to do so look “stupid” to a RAD youngster an can intensify his lack of feeling safe.

2. Emotional reactivity. RAD kids experience parents' frustration and anger as proof that the youngster is effectively controlling his parents' emotions. This only inflates their grandiose sense of power.

3. Negotiating with a RAD youngster.

4. Rescuing the youngster from the consequences of her behavior and / or attempting to solve the RAD youngster's problems for her.

Philosophy--

While love and parental common sense are necessary ingredients to successfully parent a youngster with attachment difficulties, they are rarely sufficient. This is due to the fact that most kids with attachment problems are too guarded and too distrustful to receive the love and support that moms & dads may be offering. The foundational issue for RAD kids is not love, but safety. In the absence of safety, love becomes an unaffordable luxury.

It is the pursuit of safety that leads RAD kids to be as strategic and controlling as they are. “Control” has become a prominent word in the attachment world as though it were the problem itself. This leads to conceptualizing parenting RAD kids as too often a “battle for control” which the moms & dads must win by wresting control from the youngster. While there is some truth here, this thinking mistakenly defines “control” as the problem whereas it is really only a symptom. “The problem” is a lack of feeling safe in the world, and “control” is no more than a compensatory attempt to make up for the sense of safety that is missing. It is important that moms & dads remember that they are aiming to create a feeling of physical and emotional safety that their youngster has not known previously, not simply to win a “war for control”.

With safety in place, a bridge develops across which love can flow. Think of safety as converting an “un-teachable student” into a teachable one who can now start to learn the lessons of love. Safety makes love “affordable” for the RAD youngster. Parenting a RAD youngster at this point begins to resemble the more conventional, common sense parenting of a youngster without attachment difficulties.

The specialized parenting techniques outlined below are all aimed at gradually creating safety for the youngster and removing the youngster’s blocks to receiving the love that the moms & dads have to give. Many of these techniques are somewhat counterintuitive and reflect the fact that if everything that typically makes sense has been tried without success, than anything else will seem at first not to make sense.

The parental qualities that are most successful with RAD kids are: sense of humor, curiosity about how things will develop vs. an exclusive focus on the end result, ability to meet the youngster where he is vs. where the moms & dads want him to be, and emotional availability and responsiveness. Even when parents have most of these qualities, kids with attachment problems can be very exhausting whether the parents are adoptive, foster, or biological. RAD kids have a sixth sense for finding every button a parent has and pushing them all. If you have reached the point of feeling ineffective and discouraged, that is a warning signal that professional assistance should be considered.

A word or two about brain growth and change. The brain adapts to experience, not to information. In this digital age, the tendency to overvalue the impact of information itself, disconnected from experience, has mushroomed. As H.L. Mencken put it, “For every problem there is a solution which is neat, believable, and wrong.” Information is not useless, but by itself, it does not fundamentally lead to change in kids, or adults, for that matter. If it did, you probably would not be reading this right now. The mental health of kids in the United States has been declining gradually, but steadily, since the 1950’s. All of our digital abundance has done nothing to reverse that trend. So, the message is, to facilitate growth in your kids, give them new experience, not simply new information.

A final word / warning: do not care about your youngster’s problems more than she does. RAD kids are quite content to allow the adults to carry the worry while they continue the behavior. Nothing is likely to change as long as you are more anxious about your youngster’s behavior than she is. So, moms & dads need to be careful not to take on anxiety that truly belongs to your youngster. Moms & dads cannot make their youngster better. Parents cannot make their youngster do the work they need to do to grow. Parents cannot make their youngster be successful. In the spirit of counter intuitiveness, acknowledging that your youngster has the freedom and the power to make a mess of her life increases the chances that she won’t.

Teaching / Learning--

1. Behavior: RAD kids tend to see only the payoff of their strategic behaviors as that is what’s immediately relevant. Consequently, they rarely have much understanding of what their behaviors may be costing them. It is useful for moms & dads to point out these costs to teach that behavior doesn’t come “free”. Setting up experiences to make those costs real can be very effective. (Example: A youngster who lies has almost never given any thought to the fact that this behavior costs him his believability. Besides pointing this out to the youngster, moms & dads can warn him that the time will come when he will really want to be believed about something ((the boy who cried wolf)), but the parents won't be able to. Then just wait for that opportunity to arrive- that's when the learning will begin to set in).

2. Choice: Because of disconnected thinking, RAD kids commonly lack any real concept of personal choice in their world view. They must first recognize connections between things before they can grasp how their choices affect the connections. Remedial education is in order here. RAD kids need to have connections of all kinds made for them repeatedly before the concept begins to take hold. Connections between triggers and feelings, between feelings and behavior, between behavior and its results, connections across time, and connections across situations are all examples. Visual aids (drawing) are useful supplements to verbal explanations.

3. Emotions: RAD kids usually need to be taught about their feelings. Some of them are so disconnected from their bodies that not only don’t they experience their feelings, they are often unaware of physiological sensations like cold, warmth, pain, hunger, tiredness, etc. They need help with just identifying that they are having a feeling or sensation. In addition, they need to be taught the language of feelings and to apply the correct word to the correct feeling state {much like would be done with a pre-school youngster}. This task is usually best accomplished if feeling words are limited to the following choices: happy, disappointed/sad, mad/angry, embarrassed/ashamed, and worried/nervous/afraid/scared,. RAD kids need help learning to read physical sensations {knot in stomach} as signals of feelings {nervousness} happening at the same time. Making photo flip cards can be a useful tool here. The youngster is asked to make faces representing different feelings. If the faces are accurate representations, photograph them and put them on cards. These can then be used to help identify feelings when they are running strong.

4. Eye contact: As long as a RAD youngster does not have consistently good eye contact, working on eye contact should be a priority. Good eye contact is the basis for the youngster learning to "take the parent in emotionally”. Without this "taking in", a RAD youngster is less likely to develop an emotional connection to moms & dads. If a verbal cue is not sufficient to restore eye contact, parents can: 1} gently place their hands on either side of the youngster's head and turn it or, 2} tap the youngster lightly on the cheek until her head is pointed towards the parent. Some judgment needs to be exercised here. “Getting eye contact” in any given situation, is not one of those battles to be “won” at all costs. This only contaminates eye contact with tension and conflict, like physical touch above. In addition, remember that extended eye contact in a relationship with a power differential (parent-youngster) tends to make the one with less power feel defensive. This is unlikely to lead to emotional connection. Do express pleasure and appreciation when eye contact is given.

5. Physical touch: RAD kids are often touch avoidant. Moms & dads should not let this intimidate them into rarely touching their youngster as touch is a cornerstone of attachment. Therefore look for opportunities for physical contact during calmer moments. Scheduling time for nurturant holding is another option. However, it is not recommended that physical contact be imposed over a youngster’s oppositionalism should that occur. To attempt to do so only contaminates the notion of physical affection with more conflict and tension which “poisons the well”. It may be better to look for a more propitious moment at another time. RAD kids also often need to be taught how to relax into being touched as they frequently develop an almost reflexive stiffening or bracing in response to touch.

6. Thinking connectedly: Because their early histories usually lack reliable, predictable caretaking, RAD kids tend to perceive the world as a fragmented place in which things are discrete and separate rather than connected. They are apt to see feelings and behavior as just “happening” without influencing each other. RAD kids need to be taught, over and over, that behavior is connected to triggers on the front end, to choices in the middle, and to consequences on the back end. The same is true of feelings; they need to learn that feelings are connected to triggers on the front end, to some form of expression (bodily, behavioral, or verbal) in the middle, and to outcomes on the back end.

7. Time: Because RAD kids typically have a distorted sense of time that lacks reliable continuity running from the past, through the present, and out into the future, they import things from the past into the present, believing those things belong in the present. These misplaced imports in time usually compromise the youngster’s present functioning. To prevent this, RAD kids literally have to be taught a sense of linear time and this involves repeated instruction in the difference between then and now. Much of this can be done by reiterating the concrete differences between “then vs. now” and the use of a visual time line.

Guidelines--

1. Access to Things: Prohibit access to any item that is not used for its appropriate purpose (Example: using toys to ignore the parent). The youngster’s misuse of the item is explained as a lack of knowledge (Example: “Toys are for playing with- not for ignoring your parents. So it seems that you are confused about the purpose of toys. Therefore, it wouldn’t be good for you to keep using things you are confused about”). Access is allowed again only after the RAD youngster has: 1) behaviorally demonstrated responsible behavior with things for some significant time period, and, 2) given a verbal promise to use the item in the proper fashion in the future. This promise must be restated in full, by the youngster. Just agreeing with the adult's rendition of the promise is insufficient.

2. Advice: Never offer a RAD youngster help or advice without first asking the youngster if he wants it. This question forces the RAD youngster to take some responsibility for stating what he wants in order to get it - this is priceless practice. Additionally, it helps moms & dads avoid the frustration of offering advice only to have it rejected out-of-hand because the youngster wasn't interested in solving the problem in the first place. If the youngster says he does not want advice or assistance, do not offer it anyway. Just drop the subject and move on. This holds the youngster accountable for his negative answer. When the youngster gives moms & dads orders, as RAD kids do, politely inform him that you did not ask for his advice and when you do want it, you will be sure to ask him ahead of time. This can work better than reprimanding the youngster for being rude or disrespectful.

3. Appreciation / Praise: After a RAD youngster reluctantly makes a cooperative choice, appreciation is often a better parental response than praise. Appreciation puts parent and youngster on the same level for that interaction. Praise, on the other hand, can suggest that the one offering the praise (parent) is the more powerful one, and therefore able to pass judgment on the less powerful one (youngster). Praise is, after all, every bit as much a judgment as is criticism. Praise can run the risk of the youngster feeling the parent is rubbing his face in "the parent having won". This can generate anger which may undo the cooperative decision right then, or may fuel oppositional behavior in the future. Appreciation can avoid those risks and can strengthen the parent-youngster relationship.

4. Consequences / Empathy: When imposing a consequence as part of discipline, offer emotional support (empathy) for the hardship that the consequence will cause the RAD youngster. Communicate your understanding that being disciplined probably feels like humiliation and this will lead your youngster to want to misbehave. Nonetheless, you expect that she will make a good choice even though she does not want to. This both preserves attachment while maintaining discipline. Let go of any anger that remains after imposing a consequence or you run the risk of sabotaging the effect of the consequence.

5. Consequences: When imposing what would typically be time-limited consequences, don’t automatically give the RAD youngster a definite amount of time that the consequence will last. Instead of making the consequence end after a certain amount of time has passed, base its ending on a behavioral change criteria. The consequence ends when the youngster changes the behavior that led to the consequence in the first place. That change should have occurred not just once or twice, but often enough and long enough that the parents have begun to expect it. This puts the responsibility for the consequence ending, totally on the youngster.

6. Discipline: In disciplining a RAD youngster, speak succinctly without defending or explaining the discipline. This minimizes the chances of either overwhelming the youngster with too much information or providing information that can be used for evasive, argumentative purposes. In addition, explanations undercut parental authority for they imply that the authority rests on the explanation rather than on the parent’s role. Discipline is best carried out in a matter-of-fact manner, in the style of: “Nothing personal- it’s just business”. Disciplinary interventions should not be emotionally driven. Emotionally charged behavioral interventions tend to be ineffective because they increase the youngster’s sense of being unsafe, and the youngster is apt to counter by repeating behaviors she knows will upset her moms & dads.

7. Emotional contagion: Emotions can be passed from one individual to another much like colds. This is emotional contagion. It is driven partly by rapid nonverbal mimicry, particularly of other’s facial expressions, and the associated internal sensations. This phenomenon occurs in infants only a few days old. Once individuals start mimicking facial stimuli, they often rapidly experience the emotions that are connected to these stimuli. Hence, it is important for moms & dads to monitor their facial expressions when interacting with their RAD youngster so their expressions don’t act as a source of unhelpful emotional contagion.

8. Giving / Receiving & Guilt: Avoid giving a RAD youngster much more than she can give back. Doing so reliably stirs a sense of guilt in the youngster as not deserving what has been given to her. Guilt in RAD kids practically guarantees behavioral deterioration soon afterwards. It is for this reason that gifts at birthdays and holidays should be moderate in amount.

9. Information: It is fine to withhold information from RAD kids, even information they directly ask for, when parents have a sense that that information will somehow be misused. It is instructive to tell your youngster that you are not providing the information requested because her past behavior (you are teaching connected thinking by doing this) has shown you that she is most likely to use the information poorly.

10. Love: Offering and expressing love is the parents’ responsibility. Receiving love (letting it in) is the youngster’s responsibility. Moms & dads too often take the responsibility completely onto themselves to find a way to “get their love in”. It is far more helpful to your youngster to challenge him (softly) about his methods for keeping their love out and to remind him it is his choice to remove those obstacles or not.

11. Rules: Behavioral rules need to be specific, clear, and phrased in behavioral language that states what the youngster needs to do vs. not do or stop doing. The rules need to be stated proactively because the unconscious mind does not process negatives. Thus, negatively stated rules actually increase subconscious focus on the behavior being prohibited. This increases the future chances that the undesirable behavior will reoccur. The rules need to be communicated with the expectation that they will be learned and followed. This is best conveyed with a matter-of-fact tone of voice that is free of any emotional edge. Example: “You will go to your room right after dinner and do your homework.” Thanking the youngster in advance for his cooperation can improve compliance. The interaction should be broken off after the parent expresses gratitude for expected compliance. In addition, establish the ground rule ahead of time and always in play, that the RAD youngster needs to ask what the rules might be for anything that has never been discussed before. This removes avoidance efforts by way of ignorance, from the RAD youngster's repertoire.

12. Safety: Maintaining the physical safety of individuals and property should always be parents’ top priority. This always takes precedence over doing something to promote attachment, to encourage better behavior, etc.

13. Unpredictability: An unpredictable range of parental responses and consequences is useful to keep the RAD youngster a bit off balance. This sounds counterintuitive because safety is so linked up with consistency in the common sense parenting world. RAD kids see consistency, not so much as indicating safety, but as making it easier to strategically protect themselves because they can reliably predict what the adults are going to do. So, the element of surprise is a powerful tool for moms & dads of RAD kids because being surprised interferes with RAD kids's efforts to strategically maneuver. In addition to unpredictability, being vague at times is also useful because RAD kids tend to scan situations very quickly in order to try to figure them out. Moms & dads being vague blocks this “hypervigilant radar” and this again can disrupt efforts at control. Parenting strategies also need to be switched over time, particularly if they are being successful, so as not to wear a strategy out by making it too predictable or routine.

Specific Interventions--

1. Attention: Since attention activates thoughts, feelings, and behavior, a useful question to ask your youngster from time to time is, “What are you paying attention to that is leading to this behavior?”.

2. Belief vs. truth: Explaining the difference between belief and truth is useful. The central ideas are that individuals frequently believe things that aren’t true and disbelieve things that are true. What someone believes and what is true don’t necessarily have anything to do with each other. This then becomes the basis for suggesting that the RAD youngster may be fooling herself into thinking that some things are true just because she believes them. This can further promote some self-reflection on the youngster’s part.

3. Cross-talking: If there are two adults available, cross-talking is a useful technique. Here, the adults talk to each other, with the youngster present, in order to convey information they want the youngster to hear. This makes it more difficult for the youngster to mount an argumentative response. The adults might simply be hypothesizing about what may possibly be going on with the youngster. Cross-talking should be kept fairly short or the RAD youngster may tune it out.

4. Demandingness: RAD kids can be demanding, and often so. Occasionally ask your youngster, when she makes a demand, “What is in it for me?”. This can be an effective reminder that relationships are reciprocal.

5. Distrust of self: Describe how everything the RAD youngster does that is not real (making up answers, fake emotion, playing dumb, fake laughter, “forgetting”, etc.) teaches him to be distrustful of himself while he thinks he is fooling everyone else. Point out how he will tell himself it is other individuals he can’t trust while he remains unaware of his extensive distrust of himself. Explain how he has become so skillful at fooling himself that sometimes he really doesn’t know what he is doing. Reframe “I don’t know” answers as “pretending not to know” and tell the youngster that he has been pretending not to know for so long, he can no longer tell the difference between pretending and really not knowing. Should the youngster disagree, just point out that time will make it clear whether he has fooled himself with his own pretending, or he really doesn’t know. This approach can be supplemented by suggesting that the RAD youngster doesn’t even believe himself when he takes extreme or absolute stances. The goal here is to create a split within the RAD youngster so he begins to question his snap judgments and strategic maneuvering. When challenging a RAD youngster’s thinking, it is helpful to tell the youngster up front that he probably won’t believe you. This creates a paradox the youngster cannot escape with simplistic control maneuvers.

6. Forgetfulness: Forgetfulness should never be accepted as a valid reason for avoiding responsibilities or consequences. Instead, forgetfulness is framed as an intentional choice and the RAD youngster has taught her brain to forget things she doesn’t want to remember. The solution that is presented to the youngster in this situation is to sharpen her memory in the future or find a way to help herself remember. The youngster is held accountable for the act of remembering.

7. Promises: When accepting a promise from a RAD youngster, remind her that should she choose to break it, she will really hurt herself because she won’t be able to use promises in the future as a way to obtain something she wants from her moms & dads. She will then have the added burden of having to figure out how she can earn the adults’ trust back. Never accept a promise from a RAD youngster who already has a track record of broken promises that has not been corrected sufficiently to have earned trust back.

8. Unintelligible speech: RAD kids frequently speak so that what they say cannot be clearly understood. Sometimes they mutter. Sometimes they speak very softly. Sometimes they make up words. Sometimes they scramble the order of words in a sentence. Sometimes they leave words out. While some RAD kids do have language disabilities, the majority of unintelligible speech used by RAD kids is a purposeful strategy. Like lying, unintelligible speech is another way to keep moms & dads in the position of “not knowing and trying to find out”. Thus, if asked to repeat what was said unclearly, the RAD youngster is likely to say it unclearly again, or refuse to repeat it, or blame the moms & dads for not listening, or tell the moms & dads that they had their chance and blew it. This follow-up frustrating of the moms & dads only adds to the youngster’s unhelpful sense of power. Therefore, assume that if it was said unclearly, it wasn’t important, and move right on as if your youngster never spoke. If she later says that she already told you something, just tell her it didn’t get through. Then instruct your youngster that, in the future, when she has something that she wants you to know, to check with you when she tells you to make sure that you understood. If she doesn’t double-check with you, then she runs the risk that you don’t know what she wants you to know. This shifts the responsibility for communicating clearly onto the youngster.

9. Unresponsiveness: When attempting to talk with a RAD youngster who is not responding at all, one can try role-playing the youngster and speaking what you think the youngster would be saying and then shift back into the adult role such that you are carrying both sides of the conversation. RAD kids often respond to this. This needs be done in a matter-of-fact and not teasing way.

10. Victimhood & Responsibility: When self-pity, which usually takes the form of blaming others, while playing “victim”, is used by the RAD youngster to try to get moms & dads to lower their expectations, parents should simply tell the youngster that he is choosing to feel sorry for himself and that is an easy out which the parents will not support. Empathy is the last thing to offer the RAD youngster in such situations- that would essentially be enabling. Instead, the goal is to use the situation to promote personal responsibility for the RAD youngster. Holding a youngster accountable often involves making restitution to the individual negatively impacted by the youngster’s behavior- this is action and not simply a “pro forma” verbal apology. As part of role modeling responsibility, avoid the phrase, “You made me feel…”. This is a terrible phrase and one that is fundamentally inaccurate. It assigns responsibility for the speaker’s feelings to the other individual, leaving the speaker in the role of “victim” and demonstrating the opposite of responsibility. If you are not responsible for your feelings, your youngster will not learn to be responsible for his.

Questions parents should avoid asking your RAD youngster:

1. “ Did you…?” (The answer will most likely be “no”.)
2. “ Do you remember…?” (The answer will be “no”.)
3. “ Why did you…?” (The answer will likely be made up or “I don’t know.”)
4. ” What did you say?” (See unintelligible speech.)

Questions to ask:

1. How does it happen that…?
2. How is it that…?
3. How…?
4. What happened?
5. What…?

Should a question be asked that goes unanswered, it can be useful to tell the RAD youngster that if he doesn’t answer, you will make up the answer for him and count that as his answer and use it as the basis for any related decision you might have to make.

1. Tantrums / Meltdowns: Different kids require differing approaches in order to come out of a tantrum. Some kids will need direct confrontation, others will need a warm and supportive approach including affectionate holding, while still others will need to be left alone for a while as their psychological boundaries are weakened during an outburst. A mismatch will produce escalating panic and prolong the tantrum.

2. Something Will Happen (unpredictability): Rather than confronting the RAD kid with a specific consequence in the moment, it can be very effective to say something like: “You can make that choice. I don't think it's a good move and something will happen.” Moms & dads must be ready to follow through in some specific way should the kid make the poor choice. However, the follow through can come several days later. That intervening period of waiting for the other shoe to drop can have significant impact on the RAD kid (though not the first time around). At the time of imposing the consequence, reference the prior warning that “something will happen” and identify that this is that something to insure your kid gets the connection.

3. Rejecting the family: When a RAD kid voices a wish to not be part of the family, periodically removing the kid from some or all of normal family routines can be more useful than trying to include the kid, who then may ruin whatever is happening for everyone. Then, instead of the family experiencing activities being sabotaged, the kid experiences the natural consequences of his wish not to be involved. Physical removal, while possibly seeming a bit “harsh” at first, serves to make the kid's wish very concrete so he can really experience it. This can lead the kid to begin to rethink his choices.

4. Problematic Situations: With situations wherein there have been problems, before re-entering the situation, review what happened the previous time and explain what is expected this time. Get a firm commitment from the kid to follow the expectations. The commitment takes the form of repeating back to you the expectations, not just a single-word answer. If your kid won’t do this or does it incorrectly on purpose, don’t take her back into the situation. That simply invites history to repeat itself.

5. Point plans: Point plans come in many varieties that differ in multiple ways. One of the ways they differ is the time period of their cycling: hourly, daily, weekly, or monthly. For RAD kids, given their difficulties with temporal perception, daily-based plans are the best choice. A daily plan provides practice at learning to make connections across a 24-hour time period and it can contribute to safety by emphasizing the 24-hour rhythm of family life. One way to structure a daily plan is that each day’s privileges must be earned by meeting certain behavioral criteria the day before. Things that may have been givens, such as free time, can be redefined as privileges and incorporated into such a plan. If the criteria aren’t met, the relevant privileges are lost for the next day, but the the next day also brings another opportunity to earn them anew.

6. Planned Regressions: This involves setting aside specific time periods during which the kid is allowed to regress to whatever age he would like to be. This is set up as a special game or play-time between parent and kid. As part of these planned regressions, the parents actually handle the kid as if he were the younger age he's pretending to be. One common technique is feeding the kid with a baby bottle. Such planned time for “backing up” can help RAD kids pick up missed developmental pieces. This approach generally works better the younger the kid is, but can be effective even with early adolescents. It should be done without a sibling audience.

7. Paradoxical Interventions: Precisely because they are nonlinear and illogical and therefore are not undercut by direct oppositionalism, paradoxical interventions can be very effective with RAD kids. Two examples are: (1) Humorous, but not mocking agreement with the kid's critical views of the family. Example: Openly agreeing that the youngster has gotten a raw deal in having to live with such a stupid and boring family and she should be upset. (2) Predicting and implicitly giving permission for limited misbehavior. Example: I know that you are probably going to argue, complain, be rude, get silly, whine, ignore me, and have a tantrum about__________. Would you tell me how much time you need for your tantrum?”

8. Over-practice: After a youngster breaks or “forgets” a rule, she must practice following the rule. Example: Youngster orders parents around rather than making requests. Rather than correct the youngster and then grant the request after it is phrased respectfully, the parent has the youngster approach the parent several times in a row, repeating the same request each time. It might then be honored after 3-4 practice rounds. The whole exercise is defined as practicing the “skill of making requests” since the earlier behavior indicated that the youngster did not how to do this properly.

9. Orphanage behavior: When RAD kids have spent time in an orphanage, they frequently pick up behaviors that were useful in that context such as hoarding, stealing, lying, setting others up, physical aggression, and poor hygiene. When these behaviors show up in the family, label them “orphanage behavior” and define them as reflecting the youngster’s difficulty in perceiving changes across time. Therefore they are acting as if they are still “then and there” rather than “here and now”. The expectation is that they will learn to tell the difference between “then” and “now” and drop the behaviors that belong to “then”. In addition to impacting behavior, this intervention simultaneously helps improve temporal perception.

10. Forced Choice: With this strategy, moms & dads give the RAD youngster two choices, both of which are agreeable outcomes to the moms & dads. Example: choice one: go to bed on time tonight and you get to stay up until your regular bedtime tomorrow night; choice two: for each minute you are late getting in bed tonight, five minutes will be taken off your bedtime tomorrow night. The moms & dads then step back and allow the youngster's behavior to "tell the tale" of what will happen. The fact that both outcomes stem directly from the youngster’s behavior teaches the concepts of both choice and cause-effect and makes it more difficult for the youngster to frame the outcome as resulting from the parents' just being “mean”.

11. Accessing Anger: (This intervention should NOT be used with kids prone to angry outbursts, tantrums, aggression, etc. It can be useful for kids who express their anger indirectly through passive-aggressive or nuisance behaviors or are inordinately fearful of anger). Anger is essential to the defining and maintaining of appropriate boundaries between oneself and the world. RAD kids who cannot access their anger and use it as a boundary tool, tend to perceive the world as a chronic invasive threat and themselves as relatively helpless. This intervention can help address these factors. 1) Parent and youngster sit three feet apart, facing each other. 2) Each individual picks an angry phrase to use that is agreeable to both. Over time, the phrases used by the youngster should move towards ones that are more uncomfortable to say. 3) Decide on the voice volume both parent and youngster will use. Over time, this should get progressively louder. 4) Agree on a length of time from ten to thirty seconds. Use a timer to monitor. 5) Both parent and youngster begin saying their phrases at the same time at the agreed upon voice level. There is no listening involved. 6) Discuss the experience briefly afterwards as needed. This exercise is done only once in any given day. It can be practiced regularly, though not necessarily daily, until the most uncomfortable phrases can be repeated, with an elevated voice, for a full 30 seconds.

12. “Why” questions: "Why?” questions from RAD kids are almost always maneuvers to undercut parental authority by getting information the youngster can use to argue that the parents position is illegitimate. “Why?” questions are also usually false questions in that the youngster already knows the answer. The best responses to “Why?” questions are to either: 1) point out that the youngster already knows the answer, 2) ask the youngster to tell you the answer to his own question; or 3) a tongue-in-cheek, but not sarcastic, answer: (Example: youngster asks why he has to sit and eat dinner with the family- parent replies that it helps his body digest food to eat with other individuals and talk). Probably the least useful thing a parent can do with a “Why?” question is to take it as legitimate and to provide a meaningful answer.

Promoting Attachment in Very Young Kids Ages 0 to 5--

Regardless of the youngster’s age, it is optimal if one parent is home full-time for the first six months post-adoption, and there are no separations longer than a weekend during the first year. If there are still significant problems after the initial six months, that is a reliable indicator that professional help should be sought.

0 - 6 Months: Maximize physical contact with your infant during feeding, changing, bathing and by obtaining a front mounting pack for carrying. Rocking, stroking and lots of infant massages can help as well. Maximize face-to-face communication. Seek to match your youngster’s facial expressions and vocal qualities to promote bonding. Observe whether your infant responds to one sensory modality more than another. If so, draw on that sense more when interacting. Identify which sounds, types of touch, rhythms, positions, sights, and smells your infant enjoys. Pair these up with things that cause a startle reaction to lower anxiety. If your infant is primarily a self-soother, imitate his soothing activities (e.g., rocking) and add an additional element such as singing or comforting touch. Allow your infant to look away as this is often in the service of self-regulation and don’t force excessive eye contact. Sleep with the baby in your bed or next to it in the with crib with the side rail down.

6 -10 months: Maintain a consistent routine to promote physiological regulation. Allow your infant her full range of feelings. Crying now may just signal a feeling and not a call for help. This kind of cry need not be immediately soothed, but attachment can be promoted by staying with your infant while she's distressed, for your physical presence validates her feeling. Attachment problems make an infant prone to backslide or regress developmentally. Allow some degree of this. Interacting with your infant at a temporarily regressed level can help fill in any earlier gaps in the attachment process. Imitate any constructive self-soothing behaviors to reinforce them. If you adopt an infant at this age, transfer as many elements from the previous placement as possible, into your home. If your infant attached to his previous caretaker, expect a grief reaction. This can sound like a more despairing cry than other infant cries. Offer physical comfort, but know that this grief can be inconsolable. If your infant doesn't relax, then remain with him so that his grief becomes part of his relationship with you. This will facilitate bonding and attachment.

10 - 18 months: Many of the techniques for younger infants also apply now. Allowing regression, and interacting with your infant while she is regressed can become more important, as a method of filling in the previous attachment gaps, as the youngster gets older. If your youngster moves away from you to explore, but does not return to check in, you can encourage checking-in by placing some favorite objects near you after she has moved away and calling her attention to them. Praise your youngster for returning.

15 - 24 months: When your youngster's wooing becomes coercion, limit the attention available and redirect your toddler to another activity. Firm limits are important to complete the bonding cycle of trusting limits. If this isn't done, there is a risk of unraveling the attachment gains made to this point. Overindulgence, though well intended, will bear no good fruit. Watch for opportunities to use language to assist your youngster to understand and express feelings and ideas. To the degree things can be expressed verbally, they won't be acted out behaviorally.

If you adopt a youngster of this age, record all the details of placement day and of the previous caretakers. Maintain contact with those caregivers, including visits, and later phone calls and cards. The frequency of contact should lessen over time. Allow open discussion about previous caretakers. This will facilitate the transfer of bonding and attachment from them to you.

24 - 36 months: Regressions are likely during this period as well if attachment is poor. Allowing for these and interacting with your toddler during them can strengthen weak spots from previous stages. Guard against any temptations to be overprotective as this will interfere with resolving separation anxiety. Build in planned absences as they can facilitate the resolution of separation anxiety. Keep expectations realistic. This is particularly important for moms & dads who adopt a two - three-year-old. Unrealistic expectations will block attachment from developing by creating a preponderance of disappointment.

3-5 Years: The weak reality testing characteristic of this age (egocentrism and magical thinking) makes the use of the word “real”, very tricky. It will probably get interpreted as real vs. pretend or fake and this can complicate attachment and identity. Therefore, avoid this word and use functionally descriptive labels such as “birth parents” or “the moms & dads who are raising you”. Avoid the use of “forever parents”; it is too abstract. If you have the information, making the birth mother concrete with photos, her name, and telling stories of the youngster’s pre-adoptive life, based on information that you do have, can reduce the distraction that comes from not knowing. It is useful to point out likenesses between your adopted youngster and the rest of the family (appearance, qualities, activities, interests, foods liked or disliked, etc.) in order to nourish belonging. By age 3.6, kids understand that different skin tones are differentially valued in society. Don’t deny this but instead, point out that it is not true within the family. Explain it as others’ deficit and not the youngster’s. Make up stories, with your adoptive youngster as a central figure, of your family’s life in the near and more distant future to nurture a sense of belonging going forward.

Attachment and Adult Relationships
How the Attachment Bond Shapes Adult Relationships--

You were born pre-programmed to bond with one very significant person—your primary caretaker, probably your mother. Like all babies, you were a bundle of emotions—intensely experiencing fear, anger, sadness, and joy. The emotional attachment that grew between you and your caretaker was the first interactive relationship of your life, and it depended upon nonverbal communication. The bonding you experienced determined how you would relate to other human beings throughout your life, because it established the foundation for all verbal and nonverbal communication in your future interactions.

People who experience confusing, frightening, or broken emotional communications during their infancy often grow into grown-ups who have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others. This limits their ability to build or maintain successful interactions. Attachment—the interaction between babies and their primary caretakers—is responsible for:

• the ability to rebound from disappointment, discouragement, and misfortune
• the ability to maintain emotional balance
• the ability to enjoy being ourselves and to find satisfaction in being with others
• shaping the success or failure of future intimate interactions

Scientific study of the brain—and the role attachment plays in shaping it—has given us a new basis for understanding why vast numbers of human beings have great difficulty communicating with the most important people in their work and love lives. Once, we could only use guesswork to try and determine why important interactions never evolved, developed chronic problems, or fell apart. Now, thanks to new insights into brain development, we can understand what it takes to help build and nurture productive and meaningful interactions at home and at work.

What is the attachment bond?

The mother–child bond is the primary force in infant development, according to the attachment bond theory pioneered by English psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth. The theory has gained strength through worldwide scientific studies and the use of brain imaging technology.

The attachment bond theory states that the interaction between babies and primary caretakers is responsible for:

• the ability to bounce back from misfortune
• strengthening or damaging our abilities to focus, be conscious of our feelings, and calm ourselves
• shaping all of our future relationships

Studies reveal the infant/adult interactions that result in a successful, secure attachment, where both people are aware of the other’s feelings and emotions. Studies also reveal troubled - or insecure attachment - in which the communication of feelings fails. Researchers found that successful adult interactions depend on the ability to:

• use communicative body language
• stay “tuned in” with emotions
• manage stress
• be readily forgiving, relinquishing grudges
• be playful in a mutually engaging manner

The same studies also found that an insecure attachment may be caused by abuse, but it is just as likely to be caused by isolation or loneliness.

These discoveries offer a new glimpse into successful love relationships, providing the keys to identifying and repairing a love relationship that is on the rocks.

The attachment bond shapes a baby’s brain--

For better or worse, the infant brain is profoundly influenced by the attachment bond—a baby’s first love relationship. When the primary caretaker can manage personal stress, calm the infant, communicate through emotion, share joy, and forgive easily, the young child’s nervous system becomes “securely attached.” The strong foundation of a secure attachment bond enables the youngster to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict. As an adult, he or she will be flexible, creative, hopeful, and optimistic.

Our secure attachment bond shapes our abilities to:

• balance emotions
• create positive memories and expectations of relationships
• deal with stress
• develop meaningful connections with others
• experience comfort and security
• explore our world
• feel safe
• make sense of our lives

Attachment bonds are as unique as we are. Primary caretakers don’t have to be perfect. They do not have to always be in tune with their babies’ emotions, but it helps if they are emotionally available a majority of the time.

Insecure attachment affects adult relationships--

Insecurity can be a significant problem in our lives, and it takes root when a baby’s attachment bond fails to provide the youngster with sufficient structure, recognition, understanding, safety, and mutual accord. These insecurities may lead us to:

• Become disorganized, aggressive and angry—When our early needs for emotional closeness go unfulfilled, or when a parent's behavior is a source of disorienting terror, problems are sure to follow. As grown-ups, we may not love easily and may be insensitive to the needs of our partner.

• Develop slowly—Such delays manifest themselves as deficits and result in subsequent physical and mental health problems, and social and learning disabilities.

• Remain insecure—If we have a mom or dad who is inconsistent or intrusive, it’s likely we will become anxious and fearful, never knowing what to expect. As grown-ups, we may be available one moment and rejecting the next.

• Tune out and turn off—If our mom or dad is unavailable and self-absorbed, we may—as kids—get lost in our own inner world, avoiding any close, emotional connections. As grown-ups, we may become physically and emotionally distant in relationships.

Causes of insecure attachment--

Major causes of insecure attachments include:

• emotional neglect or emotional abuse—little attention paid to the youngster, little or no effort to understand the youngster’s feelings; verbal abuse
• frequent moves or placements— constantly changing environment; for example: kids who spend their early years in orphanages or who move from foster home to foster home
• inconsistency in primary caretaker—succession of nannies or staff at daycare centers
• maternal addiction to alcohol or other drugs—maternal responsiveness reduced by mind-altering substances
• maternal depression—withdrawal from maternal role due to isolation, lack of social support, hormonal problems
• physical neglect —poor nutrition, insufficient exercise, and neglect of medical issues
• physical or sexual abuse—physical injury or violation
• separation from primary caretaker—due to illness, death, divorce, adoption
• traumatic experiences— serious illnesses or accidents
• young or inexperienced mother—lacks parenting skills

The lessons of attachment help us heal adult relationships--

The powerful, life-altering lessons we learn from our attachment bond—our first love relationship—continue to teach us as grown-ups. The gut-level knowledge we gained then guides us in improving our adult interactions and making them secure.

Adult interactions depend for their success on nonverbal forms of communication. Newborn babies cannot talk, reason or plan, yet they are equipped to make sure their needs are met. Babies don’t know what they need, they feel what they need, and communicate accordingly. When a baby communicates with a caretaker who understands and meets their physical and emotional needs, something wonderful occurs.

Relationships in which the parties are tuned in to each other’s emotions are called attuned relationships, and attuned relationships teach us that:

• conflicts can build trust if we approach them without fear or a need to punish
• nonverbal cues deeply impact our love interactions
• play helps us smooth over the rough spots in love relationships

When we can recognize knee-jerk memories, expectations, attitudes, assumptions and behaviors as problems resulting from insecure attachment bonds, we can end their influence on our adult interactions. That recognition allows us to reconstruct the healthy nonverbal communication skills that produce an attuned attachment and successful interactions.

My hands hover over the computer keyboard. They are trembling. I hold down the shift key and type the words with intention, saying each letter aloud: “R-e-a-c-t-i-v-e A-t-t-a-c-h-m-e-n-t D-i-s-o-r-d-e-r.” The words “reactive attachment disorder” are memory beads I gather into a pile and attempt to string along on a necklace.

I think back to when Judith, my neighbor who is a psychiatrist, offhandedly threw out the term the first time she met Julia. We were talking about babies who start their lives in orphanages, and she mentioned the disorder. She wasn't suggesting that my daughter Julia showed any signs, but she’d said it was a well-known problem with children who’d been adopted from Romanian orphanages in the '80s and '90s. I remember nodding my head and thinking, Shut up, Judith. We got Julia young. It shouldn't be an issue.

Then, when I raised concerns with Dr. Traister about Julia’s elusive but controlling behavior when she was a toddler, he also mentioned reactive attachment disorder. Did I want a referral to a therapist, he wanted to know.

If you have a child with trauma issues, I’m sure your well-meaning friends and family members have asked you at least a million times: “What’s the big deal? All kids do that!”

They’re not wrong.

Sure, lots of kids do lie, talk a lot, play too rough, fight with their siblings and talk back. Kids have illogical reasoning and get angry when their parents don’t understand. Yes, all kids do things that make us mad, that scare us, that irritate us. Some kids engage in these behaviors daily just because they’re kids. But kids with trauma behaviors don’t engage in “normal negative behavior” because their trauma responses take “normal negative behaviors” into scary movie territory.

In the first video of Heather Forbes’s online parenting course, she says something I want you to memorize, repeat and utilize when people give you that look. You know the look. The one that says, “Your kids are fine!” Oh, I hate that look.

Forbes says something along the lines of: My child’s behaviors are not the concern, but rather the intensity, the frequency and the duration of the behaviors.

I’ll use my youngest’s tantrums to illustrate what I’m talking about here.

It’s normal for young kids to have tantrums. But for the average 4-year-old, this tantrum lasts five minutes.

Now, I don’t want to dismiss the feelings of parents whose children engage in “normal” fit-throwing behavior, because fits are annoying and exasperating. They test the limits of even the most saintly, with-it parent. I know even “normal” tantrums can be absolutely horrible. But kids with traumatic pasts engage in completely different tantrum behavior. Unless they’ve healed through therapeutic interventions, children who have experienced trauma do not engage in “normal” fit-throwing behavior. The tantrums of my children who have been traumatized do not last for five minutes. They don’t happen “a few times a week.” They aren’t merely expressions of frustration, anger, sadness or exhaustion. They’re unpredictable and are not easy to avoid with small modifications in routine or expectations. They aren’t easily managed by utilizing traditional techniques such as ignoring the behavior or putting the kids in time-out.

No. Trauma-tantrums are something else entirely. My little one once had a meltdown that lasted for five days. That is, of course, an extreme example and thankfully has not happened since, but my youngest’s meltdowns used to be constant and all-consuming. Before we started him at his behavioral therapy program, his meltdowns occurred daily and lasted for at least two hours, but more often lasted four hours. Every day.

And they were — and still are — violent. My husband and I have barricaded ourselves in the room with him, keeping him away from his sisters and the cat. He has gouged holes into the walls of his room by throwing things. Countless toys have fallen victim, and I’ve been physically hurt on a small number of occasions.

The craziest thing about his fits, though, is that no matter what we do to avoid or calm his fits of absolutely terrifying anger and sadness and anxiety, nothing really works. Nothing. We’ve tried several methods of dealing with his meltdowns and have even gone so far as to commit the ultimate parenting faux pas and given him what we thought he wanted. But even acquiescing just intensified his rage.

If you’re parenting a child with trauma-related behavior issues, you know the truth in what I’m about to say:

The behaviors that consume so much of our lives are not normal.

I want readers who support a friend or family member who parents a child who has experienced trauma to know that we trauma-mamas-and-papas understand you have the best intentions in mind when you say things like, “Oh, that’s normal,” or, “Yeah, my kid does that, too!” or “When my kid does that, I do this and it works every time.” However, those words, earnestly said in an attempt to assist a distressed loved one are more likely to frustrate the very person you want to help.

That’s not an attempt to discourage you from offering up tips to parents like me and my husband. Some traditional parenting advice does work well with our children and sometimes we are open to suggestions. However, if you have never raised a child with trauma issues and want to sympathize, empathize and advise a trauma parent, you should ask them the following question before you respond: “Do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?”

Because some days, when I call my mom or my friends ranting that my son threw a car seat at me while I was driving or how my middle child manipulated a reward system I thought was working, I don’t want advice, especially if I’m calling shortly after the upsetting event took place. I just want to talk about it, get it out and hear, “Wow, that sucks! What did you do?”

Other days, usually after I’ve calmed down of course, I’m completely open to the advice of others because I know my fellow parents know their stuff, whether or not they are raising neuro-typical children, physically disabled children or children with mental issues.

So, bottom line: Kids with trauma issues may seem like perfectly normal kiddos with no issues. They may even be completely angelic in your presence if you don’t interact with them frequently. You might question the sanity of parents who seem hostile or angry when they talk about or interact with their kids. However, please recognize the validity of their parents’ concerns, because while the specific behavior may be “normal,” the intensity, frequency and duration of that behavior is not. Please keep this in mind if you want to help or advise a trauma parent.








Read more: http://themighty.com/2015/08/why-all-kids-do-that-doesnt-apply-to-my-kids-who-have-experienced-trauma/#ixzz3jmY907Bb

From: 
http://www.foreverymom.com/this-moms-simple-question-stopped-my-heart-and-filled-my-eyes-with-tears/


I thought it was a night like any other night. I was folding the laundry on my bed, listening to my daughter sing her heart out in the shower. Then my throat tightened and I felt panic set in. When did I last wash her hair?

I ran to the bathroom and opened the door so I could yell inside, “Katie, do you need any help washing your hair?”

Her reply brought tears to my eyes, “No, Mama. I’m fine.”

I’ve always tried my best to appreciate every day with my seven children. There has been a motto I’ve lived with in parenting ever since I had my first child:
Make sure they remember joy yesterday, experience joy today, and anticipate joy tomorrow.
I just didn’t know tomorrow would come so soon.

I’m a firm believer in kids playing hard and getting dirty. And my two oldest daughters sure did that. Every day, they were out in the Arizona sunshine–climbing, digging, swinging, and getting very, very dirty. Children have to get dirty. It’s a universal law. And I’m not about to tamper with universal law.

But with dirt, comes baths. I remember when my two oldest daughters, Kelsey and Katie, would take baths together. I would wash their hair, then let them play in the bathtub for awhile. It was our routine. Then they got older. Baths turned into showers, but I was still there to come in and help them wash their hair. Then the hair washing turned into just helping them rinse out the shampoo. Then the rinsing turned into the occasional, “let’s go back in the shower and I’ll help you rinse that one spot on top of your head.”

Then came, “No, Mama. I’m fine.”

Here’s the deal with motherhood: It’s our job to raise independent kids; but no one tells you how to handle it when it really happens.

That night, it happened.

I thought back–When was the last time? When was the last moment I rinsed the shampoo out of her hair? Why didn’t I know it was the last time? If I would have known, I would have done a better job, or made it last longer, or kissed her head, or something. I would have done something!

I couldn’t see the laundry anymore because the tears blurred my vision. But I kept folding. Folding and praying. “God, help me remember how quickly this is going by. Help me appreciate every single day–even the hard ones. Show me the beauty in each moment–even the bad ones.”

I thought of David, pleading with God, “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12). He was probably having one of his own, “last hair washing” moments, those moments with the brevity and speed of life strikes you and you realize you can’t put on the brakes. He wanted enough wisdom to slow down and appreciate each day as a gift from God because he realized when it’s gone, it’s gone.

The cure isn’t to slow down. That’s impossible. The cure is a heart of wisdom. The wisdom to know that broken dishes, stained clothes, and spilled food are never reasons to lose your temper. The wisdom to know that school assignments can always be done later, after the sun sets and the mud puddles have all dried up. The wisdom to know that every moment is a sacred moment–changing diapers, snuggling on the sofa, swinging at the park, even washing hair. They’re all sacred, if you can just slow down enough to see it.

Years went by. Then came the fateful day. A ball was headed toward the goal, and Katie was determined to keep it out. She dove for it, and we heard it–crack! A quick trip to the emergency room and we found out that Katie had fractured her wrist. That meant six weeks in a cast.
You can’t wash your own hair when your hand is in a cast.

When I realized that, my heart practically jumped for joy–not for the broken wrist (what kind of a sick mom would I be?) but that I got a second chance! I got another shot to slow down and appreciate washing her hair. I got to put on the brakes! I let Katie pick out a brand new shampoo–a sweet-smelling shampoo for brunette hair. We got some towels, she laid down on the kitchen counter with her head in the sink, and I got to wash her hair. Each time I did, we would joke around and laugh about it and enjoy every. single. moment.

To this day, when I smell that shampoo, it takes me right back to our kitchen counter hair washing experience.

But we don’t always get second chances. There will be a last fort with chairs and blankets. There will be a last story before bed. There will be a last outfit put on a Barbie doll. There will be a last swing at the park. We don’t need to know when the last one will be. We just need the heart of wisdom to appreciate each one.

As I wrap up this post, I think God for His mercy. My fingers were flying on the keyboard and I heard my youngest daughter call to me from upstairs, “Mama, would you put my hair in a braid before I go to bed?”

Oh. Yes.

I took a little longer brushing her hair tonight. And I lingered as I put her hair into a single braid down her back. When I kissed her goodnight, it lasted a couple more seconds than usual. Because after seven children and years of thinking I had all the time in the world, I realized something. life will run off with you if you let it. Sometimes, you just have to stop and breathe it in.
Thank you, God, for braids before bedtime. Thank you for messy kitchens and legos on the floor. Thank you for noisy dinner times and late-night conversations, for forts, baby dolls, fingerpaint, and bedtime stories. Thank you for broken wrists and shampoo for brunettes. Thank you for teaching me to number my days. And, God, when I forget, please give me a nudge and number them for me.